The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
