I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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