Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
