my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
