if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
