I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Randomize
