Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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