did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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