I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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