I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
