You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
