New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
