Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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