i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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