you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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