sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Randomize
