I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
