Tell her she can't have a vagina
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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