I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
