I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
