My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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