Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
