get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
