I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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