i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
