There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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