He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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