hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
