She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Randomize
