I'm really into asian looking animals
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Can you bring me the toilet please
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
