Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
