why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
30 Tiny Celebrity Tattoos You’ll Want To Run Out And Copy ASAP
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.