He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.