If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
