Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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