Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
so much tequila, so little girl.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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