Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
