On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
