I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Randomize
