I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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