Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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