The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
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I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
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Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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