Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
