you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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