I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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