i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
