At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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