Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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