After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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