I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
