My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
