M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
