this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
