I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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