Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
