I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
